Has it really been over three months...

...since my last blog? I feel like there has been so many moments that I've thought to myself "oh, that would be a good blog," but then I just forget to add it. I had a thought tonight that I finally decided to post. I think sometimes...maybe...I'm almost TOO good of a listener. Before you think I think highly of myself, hear me out. It really annoys me when I have "conversations" with people where they could have the same conversation without me sitting there. I think people are attracted to me because I let them just talk without them giving me opportunities to speak. This happened tonight after work. A coworker and I went out to eat, and I'm pretty sure he spoke about 75 percent of the time. Not that I mind listening, mind you, if someone needs someone to listen to their woes, if you will. But listening to stories about people you've never met/will meet do not, and rarely will, appeal to me. I know this about myself, yet I still let it happen. When I'm around certain people, I just allow myself to remain speechless while they rant about this person they worked with last year or what their mom thinks their major should be. And then this guilt comes over me like it shouldn't be bothering me that people are comfortable with me enough to confide in me. And I do love that people feel comfortable around me; it just seems to happen more often than I'd like that people talk, uninterrupted by me, for as long as they can and without regard to my thoughts. This is such a random rant. Those should sound familiar by now, as those are all I seem to write about.

An addition

I was reading through Max Lucado's Grace for the Moment the other night, and the devotional for March 24th elaborates on my previous blog.

The Standard
We are made holy through the sacrifice Christ made in his body once and for all time.
~Hebrews 10:10

Only the holy will see God. Holiness is a prerequisite to heaven. Perfection is a requirement for eternity. We wish it weren't so. We act like it isn't so. We act like those who are "decent" will see God. We suggest that those who try hard will see God. We act as if we're good if we never do anything too bad. And that goodness is enough to qualify us for heaven.
Sounds right to us, but it doesn't sound right to God. And he sets the standard. And the standard is high. "You must be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect" Matthew 5:48.
You see, in God's plan, God is the standard for perfection. We don't compare ourselves to others; they are just as fouled up as we are. The goal is to be like him; anything less is inadequate.

From He Still Moves Stones

Reality Check

Note to self: God spits out those who are lukewarm. And hey...guess what...he would be spittin' me out right now if I were to reach those gates of Heaven. Thank you, God, for introducing me to someone who will challenge me and help strengthen my faith.

One more thing

Just thought I'd say this quote again. Sometimes I need some refreshing.

"Rather than resent your many single hours, embrace them as a gift from God-a package that contains opportunities to serve Him that are limited only by your own self-pity and lack of obedience."
From Lady in Waiting

Conviction

Whoa...what a night it has been. I pretty much spent 3 straight hours talking about God with two other people. I guess it doesn't sound like a lot, but it was amazing. I have never felt more challenged in my faith in my whole life. Praise God. One of my friends from home had one of her friends visit her tonight, so that's who I hung out with. He is an amazing Christian, is my age, and has such a wisdom about Christ and the Word and faith. I was/am blown away. I hope and pray I can emulate Christ in such a way as he did for me tonight. Remember all those questions I had a couple blogs ago? We covered all of those tonight, and I am feeling much better about it. Bottom line: sometimes there just isn't one solution to every question. And you know what? If I'm patient, all of those questions will be answered for me in Heaven, without me even having to ask them...isn't that AWESOME?! Here's the thing: my mind is set on: Earthly. I have just begun the process of grasping eternity in Heaven with God. When I make decisions, I make them based on Earthly values and morals and what society tells me. Wow, and those don't even matter!! Isn't that incredible?? To think about the hours I have spent in life worrying over earthly ordeals when I could be praising God and loving people with God working through me. I pray that He works through me in Arizona, if I work at camp this summer, and when I student teach next fall. I pray that He works through me when I go back to Luther. I pray that He works through me when I am around my family. Let Him use me as an instrument in the great orchestra that is His will.

I read a nice quote tonight:

If you have any knowledge at all of human nature, you know that those who only admire the truth will, when danger appears, become traitors. The admirer is infatuated with the false security of greatness; but if there is any inconvenience or trouble, he pulls back. Admiring the truth, instead of following it, is just as dubious a fire as the fire of erotic love, which at the turn of the hand can be changed into exactly the opposite, to hate, jealousy, and revenge. Christ, however, never asked for admirers, worshippers, or adherents. He consistently spoke of "followers" and "disciples.". -S.K.

I am guilty of admiration and idolatry. I have never felt more convicted in all my life! And you know what? That's not even what he (my friend's friend) was trying to do! He wasn't like "yo, you're doing this wrong. look at me and my flawless faith." He was like "Yo, I'm a sinner just like you but we are still called to love God and show one another our love for God through one another by loving each other." Don't condemn someone because they are different; love them! Oh my gosh, why don't more people know this? We all sin, and yet we all judge. Who are we to judge? But I do. I do any time I meet someone who does something really "bad" be it have sex, do drugs, abuse their bodies. But you know what? We will get no where with these people in introducing them to Christ if we just condemn them. They become intimidated and turned off by Christ. Instead...we must love them. That's all it takes! I just can't get over it! And here is, perhaps, the challenging part. We must love them by modeling Christ, and staying humble. We need to say, "Sure, you have sinned...but so have I! So have all of us! But I still love Christ, and so can you. He already loves you." It sounds so easy, and yet I am still not all that confident in myself and my faith to say something like that. I pray for that confidence and for the ability to not apologize for my love of Christ!

Wow, I have so much more to say. Just praise God for introducing me to Allie and for her introducing me to Pat. This night has been amazing.

Meh

Not feeling so great tonight. You know when you get the feeling that you would do just about anything for certain people, but then you realize they wouldn't do the same for you? Yeah, I'm feeling that tonight. I love my roommates dearly, but they are so different from me. When I go somewhere and see something that reminds me of them, I buy it for them without a thought. Now, I'm seriously not doing this to talk myself up. Rather, I actually get confused when not everyone else is like this. I guess I just assume everyone thinks like me, and then when I realize they don't, my feelings get hurt. I won't go into anything too specific, because I could list off several intstances that I have felt like this, but none have made me feel more shitty than tonight, probably because both roommates happened to make me feel like this in the same night.
What hurts the most is, because they are two of my closest friends, I have no one else to turn to to pour out my heart. I pray, and I appreciate being able to talk to God, but sometimes I just need reassurance from a person, or just someone with with whom I can read their reactions or get some kind of verbal feedback. I feel like I have no one right now, and this year has left me feeling so alone.
Maybe I'll just stay in Belgium forever.

Saved

"If God made us all so different, how can He expect us to be the same?" This question was pondered at the end of the movie "Saved," a mocking, yet comical movie about the double-life of (some) Christians. The movie, although cheesy, actually caused me to reexamine my faith tremendously. The plot goes something like this: a girl in her senior year in high school, after finding out her boyfriend might be gay, has sex with him to try to keep him straight and ends up getting pregnant, all because she thought she had a vision that Jesus told her to. Now, I am still unsure how I feel about the validity of visions, but this could apply to more than just actually "seeing" Jesus. We are told to listen to what God says to us to know what to do with our actions. In the movie, the girl could swear by the idea that Jesus told her to help her boyfriend, and that is why she had sex with him. It was not because she was tempted sexually, it was not because everyone else was "doing it" (in fact, in the movie, premarital sex is something to be laughed at, it was so uncommon). She honestly believed she was doing it for God. How are we to know what is a message from God and what is from Satan or our own personal wants? One could say that any direction that leads a person to sin has obviously come from Satan. Sometimes I get little urges in my head, and I wonder if it is God working through me, or just my own thoughts and conscience. How can we ever know? How many people have caused others harm because they truly believed it was the will of God? Countless! And who are we to say that they were misled by Satan and therefore evildoers? What if they were following God's commandment? I am deeply troubled by this thought.
The quote I mentioned at the beginning also caused me to raise some questions. Never, have I ever thought of that before. We are so different. How many times in our lives will we hear that? And yet...there is only one to be modeled after, and that is Christ, and somehow, despite our countless differences, we are all to act Christ-like. Honestly, and this troubles me a lot too, how are we to truly know what Christ was like? He is portrayed differently in each Gospel, and sometimes I question the validity of the Bible all together. Yes, I know it's God's Word. But...it was written by sexist, racist men, and it's not like we follow everything that is written. We are told not to pierce our ears or wear tattoos, and countless Christians do without a thought. So why are Christians so against drinking when it is mentioned probably as many times as piercings and tattoos? Who are we to choose what is applicable today? Wouldn't God have in mind future circumstances while inspiring the writers of the Bible so that everything could be applicable today? Have you all read Leviticus? According to that book, right after God gives Moses the 10 Commandments, God also commands that we not "mate different kinds of animals, plant our field with two different kinds of seeds, wear clothing woven of two kinds of material, have tattoos, etc." Oh yeah, and if we disobey him? What is our punishment? "Death." To any adulterer, and any blasphemer. So then I ask...Should we have slaves? Should women wear their hair only in braids? Should men not trim their beards or the sides of their heads? Should we literally cut out our eyes, or cut off our ears or our hands if they lead us to sin? (Matthew 5: 29-30) Well, of course not. Those don't make sense to do in today's world. What? Excuse me? SINCE WHEN DID WE GET TO PICK AND CHOOSE WHICH PARTS OF THE BIBLE TO FOLLOW? And don't even get me started on the contradictions the Bible has just in itself. Anyone who says they live their life according to what the Bible says is a liar, because there are so many inconsistencies it would be impossible. So then, if the Bible is inapplicable to today, what is my faith based on? I must believe that I was lead to my faith for an ultimate purpose so that I may follow God's will for me, and I do, but I just have so many questions. I need guidance and praying tonight will hopefully help me.
I have so much more to write about because it has been so long since I have posted anything, but that will all have to wait for another day. Until then...

Au revoir.

Bruised and broken...again?

Well...I would say this is about the best any year has started off in my life. And by best I mean CRAZIEST. So...January I had the accident. And remember how I thought I had the flu before? Well...a week and a half after they told me I didn't have strep, they told me on Monday that I actually do. Then...and this is the best part...last night I was climbing into bed using one of my chairs. The chair was uneven and it slipped out from underneath me, causing me to fall. I landed on my side right on the edge of the chair. Agh...talk about scary. I got the wind knocked out of me and could hardly speak. My side hurt horribly and I couldn't breathe very well. My roommates had called one of our friends who was an EMT first-responder to come over, so he came over very soon with another one of our friends. He decided we'd better call an ambulance, so pretty much every police officer/ paramedic in the Decorah area arrived in our room a few minutes after that. (Yeeeah...not much happens around here). I was taken out on a board and then led onto a stretcher. They then put me in the ambulance and drove me to the hospital. The paramedic wasn't very nice, but oh well. I kept having to say everything over and over again (ie...what happened, how to spell my name, date of birth, etc...) and I was just getting annoyed. Anyway, to make a long story short, I broke one of my ribs. Agh. First broken bone ever, and it's to a bone they can't really do anything for. I have a brace thing and some meds, and 2-6 weeks to heal.

In the meantime, I'm probably just going to lay around all day. It ought to be exciting. Let's just hope this was the last of the "excitement" for 2005.

Mistakes

How dare I call myself a Christian? How dare I claim the same title as martyrs or even those whose profiles on Blogster also claim the importance of their faith? I feel such shame reading blogs of other "Christians" whose faith is embedded into all of what they write. Why don't I think like that? Why do I still have such earthly importances and seek acceptance from those whose opinion of me will, ultimately, not even matter? There is only one opinion I should be seeking to please...one judgment I should be fearing. Why, then, even if I know this, can I not apply it to my life? My daily decisions and struggles? I had a bad weekend this weekend...did a couple things I KNOW I should not have done. Sick. I feel so disgusted with myself after weekends such as these. And you know what disheartens me the most? I care more about if other people find out than if God knows. What is wrong with me?? If I cared more about God knowing, I would not have done what I did. I was selfish and lustful and now ache with guilt. I am having a very hard time forgiving myself for what I have done, and know I can't be forgiven by God until I can do it for myself. And yet...if someone were to ask me if I was a Christian, I would say yes. I wear the Ictus fish on my ankle so others can see it and know I'm a Christian. But what kind of a Christian am I? The worst kind. The "lukewarm" kind. I have accepted Christ but have not accepted what it takes to be a Christian. May God change how I behave. I plead that this never happens again. Never. Never do I want to shame the title of Christian with my sinful actions. I pray that I will contemplate my decisions more, and make selfish, heartless decisions less. Less? Never. I need your help, God. I can't depend on anyone or anything but you.