Coffee Talk

Has it really been over three months...

2005-07-13T00:40:00.000-05:00

...since my last blog? I feel like there has been so many moments that I've thought to myself "oh, that would be a good blog," but then I just forget to add it. I had a thought tonight that I finally decided to post. I think sometimes...maybe...I'm almost TOO good of a listener. Before you think I think highly of myself, hear me out. It really annoys me when I have "conversations" with people where they could have the same conversation without me sitting there. I think people are attracted to me because I let them just talk without them giving me opportunities to speak. This happened tonight after work. A coworker and I went out to eat, and I'm pretty sure he spoke about 75 percent of the time. Not that I mind listening, mind you, if someone needs someone to listen to their woes, if you will. But listening to stories about people you've never met/will meet do not, and rarely will, appeal to me. I know this about myself, yet I still let it happen. When I'm around certain people, I just allow myself to remain speechless while they rant about this person they worked with last year or what their mom thinks their major should be. And then this guilt comes over me like it shouldn't be bothering me that people are comfortable with me enough to confide in me. And I do love that people feel comfortable around me; it just seems to happen more often than I'd like that people talk, uninterrupted by me, for as long as they can and without regard to my thoughts. This is such a random rant. Those should sound familiar by now, as those are all I seem to write about.

An addition

2005-03-26T11:23:00.000-06:00

I was reading through Max Lucado's Grace for the Moment the other night, and the devotional for March 24th elaborates on my previous blog.

The Standard
We are made holy through the sacrifice Christ made in his body once and for all time.
~Hebrews 10:10

Only the holy will see God. Holiness is a prerequisite to heaven. Perfection is a requirement for eternity. We wish it weren't so. We act like it isn't so. We act like those who are "decent" will see God. We suggest that those who try hard will see God. We act as if we're good if we never do anything too bad. And that goodness is enough to qualify us for heaven.
Sounds right to us, but it doesn't sound right to God. And he sets the standard. And the standard is high. "You must be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect" Matthew 5:48.
You see, in God's plan, God is the standard for perfection. We don't compare ourselves to others; they are just as fouled up as we are. The goal is to be like him; anything less is inadequate.

From He Still Moves Stones

Reality Check

2005-03-26T02:12:00.000-06:00

Note to self: God spits out those who are lukewarm. And hey...guess what...he would be spittin' me out right now if I were to reach those gates of Heaven. Thank you, God, for introducing me to someone who will challenge me and help strengthen my faith.

One more thing

2005-03-20T02:50:00.000-06:00

Just thought I'd say this quote again. Sometimes I need some refreshing.

"Rather than resent your many single hours, embrace them as a gift from God-a package that contains opportunities to serve Him that are limited only by your own self-pity and lack of obedience."
From Lady in Waiting

Conviction

2005-03-20T02:07:00.000-06:00

Whoa...what a night it has been. I pretty much spent 3 straight hours talking about God with two other people. I guess it doesn't sound like a lot, but it was amazing. I have never felt more challenged in my faith in my whole life. Praise God. One of my friends from home had one of her friends visit her tonight, so that's who I hung out with. He is an amazing Christian, is my age, and has such a wisdom about Christ and the Word and faith. I was/am blown away. I hope and pray I can emulate Christ in such a way as he did for me tonight. Remember all those questions I had a couple blogs ago? We covered all of those tonight, and I am feeling much better about it. Bottom line: sometimes there just isn't one solution to every question. And you know what? If I'm patient, all of those questions will be answered for me in Heaven, without me even having to ask them...isn't that AWESOME?! Here's the thing: my mind is set on: Earthly. I have just begun the process of grasping eternity in Heaven with God. When I make decisions, I make them based on Earthly values and morals and what society tells me. Wow, and those don't even matter!! Isn't that incredible?? To think about the hours I have spent in life worrying over earthly ordeals when I could be praising God and loving people with God working through me. I pray that He works through me in Arizona, if I work at camp this summer, and when I student teach next fall. I pray that He works through me when I go back to Luther. I pray that He works through me when I am around my family. Let Him use me as an instrument in the great orchestra that is His will.

I read a nice quote tonight:

If you have any knowledge at all of human nature, you know that those who only admire the truth will, when danger appears, become traitors. The admirer is infatuated with the false security of greatness; but if there is any inconvenience or trouble, he pulls back. Admiring the truth, instead of following it, is just as dubious a fire as the fire of erotic love, which at the turn of the hand can be changed into exactly the opposite, to hate, jealousy, and revenge. Christ, however, never asked for admirers, worshippers, or adherents. He consistently spoke of "followers" and "disciples.". -S.K.

I am guilty of admiration and idolatry. I have never felt more convicted in all my life! And you know what? That's not even what he (my friend's friend) was trying to do! He wasn't like "yo, you're doing this wrong. look at me and my flawless faith." He was like "Yo, I'm a sinner just like you but we are still called to love God and show one another our love for God through one another by loving each other." Don't condemn someone because they are different; love them! Oh my gosh, why don't more people know this? We all sin, and yet we all judge. Who are we to judge? But I do. I do any time I meet someone who does something really "bad" be it have sex, do drugs, abuse their bodies. But you know what? We will get no where with these people in introducing them to Christ if we just condemn them. They become intimidated and turned off by Christ. Instead...we must love them. That's all it takes! I just can't get over it! And here is, perhaps, the challenging part. We must love them by modeling Christ, and staying humble. We need to say, "Sure, you have sinned...but so have I! So have all of us! But I still love Christ, and so can you. He already loves you." It sounds so easy, and yet I am still not all that confident in myself and my faith to say something like that. I pray for that confidence and for the ability to not apologize for my love of Christ!

Wow, I have so much more to say. Just praise God for introducing me to Allie and for her introducing me to Pat. This night has been amazing.

Meh

2005-03-16T23:25:00.000-06:00

Not feeling so great tonight. You know when you get the feeling that you would do just about anything for certain people, but then you realize they wouldn't do the same for you? Yeah, I'm feeling that tonight. I love my roommates dearly, but they are so different from me. When I go somewhere and see something that reminds me of them, I buy it for them without a thought. Now, I'm seriously not doing this to talk myself up. Rather, I actually get confused when not everyone else is like this. I guess I just assume everyone thinks like me, and then when I realize they don't, my feelings get hurt. I won't go into anything too specific, because I could list off several intstances that I have felt like this, but none have made me feel more shitty than tonight, probably because both roommates happened to make me feel like this in the same night.
What hurts the most is, because they are two of my closest friends, I have no one else to turn to to pour out my heart. I pray, and I appreciate being able to talk to God, but sometimes I just need reassurance from a person, or just someone with with whom I can read their reactions or get some kind of verbal feedback. I feel like I have no one right now, and this year has left me feeling so alone.
Maybe I'll just stay in Belgium forever.

Saved

2005-03-11T00:07:00.000-06:00

"If God made us all so different, how can He expect us to be the same?" This question was pondered at the end of the movie "Saved," a mocking, yet comical movie about the double-life of (some) Christians. The movie, although cheesy, actually caused me to reexamine my faith tremendously. The plot goes something like this: a girl in her senior year in high school, after finding out her boyfriend might be gay, has sex with him to try to keep him straight and ends up getting pregnant, all because she thought she had a vision that Jesus told her to. Now, I am still unsure how I feel about the validity of visions, but this could apply to more than just actually "seeing" Jesus. We are told to listen to what God says to us to know what to do with our actions. In the movie, the girl could swear by the idea that Jesus told her to help her boyfriend, and that is why she had sex with him. It was not because she was tempted sexually, it was not because everyone else was "doing it" (in fact, in the movie, premarital sex is something to be laughed at, it was so uncommon). She honestly believed she was doing it for God. How are we to know what is a message from God and what is from Satan or our own personal wants? One could say that any direction that leads a person to sin has obviously come from Satan. Sometimes I get little urges in my head, and I wonder if it is God working through me, or just my own thoughts and conscience. How can we ever know? How many people have caused others harm because they truly believed it was the will of God? Countless! And who are we to say that they were misled by Satan and therefore evildoers? What if they were following God's commandment? I am deeply troubled by this thought.
The quote I mentioned at the beginning also caused me to raise some questions. Never, have I ever thought of that before. We are so different. How many times in our lives will we hear that? And yet...there is only one to be modeled after, and that is Christ, and somehow, despite our countless differences, we are all to act Christ-like. Honestly, and this troubles me a lot too, how are we to truly know what Christ was like? He is portrayed differently in each Gospel, and sometimes I question the validity of the Bible all together. Yes, I know it's God's Word. But...it was written by sexist, racist men, and it's not like we follow everything that is written. We are told not to pierce our ears or wear tattoos, and countless Christians do without a thought. So why are Christians so against drinking when it is mentioned probably as many times as piercings and tattoos? Who are we to choose what is applicable today? Wouldn't God have in mind future circumstances while inspiring the writers of the Bible so that everything could be applicable today? Have you all read Leviticus? According to that book, right after God gives Moses the 10 Commandments, God also commands that we not "mate different kinds of animals, plant our field with two different kinds of seeds, wear clothing woven of two kinds of material, have tattoos, etc." Oh yeah, and if we disobey him? What is our punishment? "Death." To any adulterer, and any blasphemer. So then I ask...Should we have slaves? Should women wear their hair only in braids? Should men not trim their beards or the sides of their heads? Should we literally cut out our eyes, or cut off our ears or our hands if they lead us to sin? (Matthew 5: 29-30) Well, of course not. Those don't make sense to do in today's world. What? Excuse me? SINCE WHEN DID WE GET TO PICK AND CHOOSE WHICH PARTS OF THE BIBLE TO FOLLOW? And don't even get me started on the contradictions the Bible has just in itself. Anyone who says they live their life according to what the Bible says is a liar, because there are so many inconsistencies it would be impossible. So then, if the Bible is inapplicable to today, what is my faith based on? I must believe that I was lead to my faith for an ultimate purpose so that I may follow God's will for me, and I do, but I just have so many questions. I need guidance and praying tonight will hopefully help me.
I have so much more to write about because it has been so long since I have posted anything, but that will all have to wait for another day. Until then...

Au revoir.

Bruised and broken...again?

2005-02-10T12:26:00.000-06:00

Well...I would say this is about the best any year has started off in my life. And by best I mean CRAZIEST. So...January I had the accident. And remember how I thought I had the flu before? Well...a week and a half after they told me I didn't have strep, they told me on Monday that I actually do. Then...and this is the best part...last night I was climbing into bed using one of my chairs. The chair was uneven and it slipped out from underneath me, causing me to fall. I landed on my side right on the edge of the chair. Agh...talk about scary. I got the wind knocked out of me and could hardly speak. My side hurt horribly and I couldn't breathe very well. My roommates had called one of our friends who was an EMT first-responder to come over, so he came over very soon with another one of our friends. He decided we'd better call an ambulance, so pretty much every police officer/ paramedic in the Decorah area arrived in our room a few minutes after that. (Yeeeah...not much happens around here). I was taken out on a board and then led onto a stretcher. They then put me in the ambulance and drove me to the hospital. The paramedic wasn't very nice, but oh well. I kept having to say everything over and over again (ie...what happened, how to spell my name, date of birth, etc...) and I was just getting annoyed. Anyway, to make a long story short, I broke one of my ribs. Agh. First broken bone ever, and it's to a bone they can't really do anything for. I have a brace thing and some meds, and 2-6 weeks to heal.

In the meantime, I'm probably just going to lay around all day. It ought to be exciting. Let's just hope this was the last of the "excitement" for 2005.

Mistakes

2005-02-07T00:17:00.000-06:00

How dare I call myself a Christian? How dare I claim the same title as martyrs or even those whose profiles on Blogster also claim the importance of their faith? I feel such shame reading blogs of other "Christians" whose faith is embedded into all of what they write. Why don't I think like that? Why do I still have such earthly importances and seek acceptance from those whose opinion of me will, ultimately, not even matter? There is only one opinion I should be seeking to please...one judgment I should be fearing. Why, then, even if I know this, can I not apply it to my life? My daily decisions and struggles? I had a bad weekend this weekend...did a couple things I KNOW I should not have done. Sick. I feel so disgusted with myself after weekends such as these. And you know what disheartens me the most? I care more about if other people find out than if God knows. What is wrong with me?? If I cared more about God knowing, I would not have done what I did. I was selfish and lustful and now ache with guilt. I am having a very hard time forgiving myself for what I have done, and know I can't be forgiven by God until I can do it for myself. And yet...if someone were to ask me if I was a Christian, I would say yes. I wear the Ictus fish on my ankle so others can see it and know I'm a Christian. But what kind of a Christian am I? The worst kind. The "lukewarm" kind. I have accepted Christ but have not accepted what it takes to be a Christian. May God change how I behave. I plead that this never happens again. Never. Never do I want to shame the title of Christian with my sinful actions. I pray that I will contemplate my decisions more, and make selfish, heartless decisions less. Less? Never. I need your help, God. I can't depend on anyone or anything but you.

Bliss

2005-02-03T22:21:00.000-06:00

Ahhhh...it's so nice to feel again. Classes for second semester just started up yesterday, and so far I am off to a nice start. I am taking six education classes so I'll be plenty busy, but I'm actually very excited for what we are going to cover. For one class, we get to learn how to write in Zaner-Bloser, which is the official "teacher" handwriting. In another we have four pages of basic algebra problems to solve. (Am I a huge nerd for being excited to work on it?) In my art class we got to make paper. And tonight at another class we got to write to 4th grade pen pals in cursive. (Am I an even bigger nerd for being excited to practice writing in cursive?) So yeah, classes are off to a good start, I'm just a little nervous for how busy I'm going to be later this semester when I have to actually start writing unit and lesson plans.

So here's why I am feeling particularly blissful. Being back on Luther's campus for second semester is like being back for a new school year in the fall; everyone is getting back from their J-term trips and everyone is excited to be back and see everyone else. Add that to the beautiful weather we have been having (it's supposed to be 51 degrees tomorrow!) and everyone is just in the most friendly, welcoming mood, and it's really great to feel. You know how some days you walk around campus and it seems like everyone forgets to say hi to you or doesn't see you? It has been the opposite the past couple days. It seems like even people I don't expect to say hi to me do, and with such enthusiasm! Maybe it's wrong to find happiness in the friendliness of people, for reasons such as the one described previously, but I can't help it. I have been working on my self esteem boost, and being around people in such happy moods has helped me immensely.

So for my art class we were assigned to find someone who has never made paper before and teach them how, any time before class on Tuesday. I chose to ask a particular someone I got close to last semester, and am curious as to see how it goes tomorrow. (Lynnea...it's Scott) (Lynnea...I think you are the only one who reads these...) He was gone for J-term, and I saw him back for the first time Tuesday night when we were out downtown (at La Rana) and it was so fantastic to see him. There was an instant reciprocated attractedness toward each other, and it was like it was before things got weird right at the end of our hanging out last semester. Don't worry. I adore him as a person and friend and am not willing to risk things ever getting weird again so I can just have a good relationship with him. I would be so content to be good friends with him, and am just excited to hang out with him again.

Welp...I have Ben Jelen going right now. I am getting tired. I think I'm going to write in my journal, read some more of David Sedaris, and call it a night.

Bonsoir.

PS:
I like to play with Lanyacks.

Genocide

2005-01-31T00:31:00.000-06:00

It's amazing, how often I've heard that word the past few weeks. I took a class this month called "Hate Holocaust Hope" and, although it was depressing at times, it was very interesting to get into more details about such an event. I almost feel guilty feeling interested in such a morbid subject, but there are so many other aspects to the Holocaust besides the genocide that make it unique and interesting. One of the units I particularly enjoyed was that of the rescuers during the Holocaust, probably because they are the people you hear of less often than any other key players during World War II. There are some amazing stories that are hardly ever heard or shared, because, for most, it is more interesting to learn about the most common outcome for Jews at that time.

Anyway, the topic of rescuers is what I was reminded of when I watched the movie "Hotel Rwanda" today. It was such an incredible story, and an incredible movie for that matter! For those who may not have heard about it, the movie is about Paul Rusesabagina, a hotel owner who saved close to 1200 refugees during the violence that took place in Rwanda in 1994. I was torn between intrigued and frustrated; intrigued because I had never heard of that story before, nor the events that took place in Rwanda close to ten years ago (when I was alive!!!), and frustrated for the same reason. Am I so ignorant that I don't know of modern day genocide taking place in the same world that I live in? I hear of Sudan, and still know very little about that as well (I plan on changing that, though, immediately after finishing this post). I didn't hear of what was happening in Bosnia until a student my senior year who moved to America came to our class to tell us of what happened to him. How dreadful, that something like that could be happening and that I don't know about it! I feel so naive and sheltered! Did my parents not know about it either then? If they did, why didn't they talk about it with me? Something tells me they were just as ignorant as I was, though let me reassure you they knew everything that was going on in Hollywood at that time, as avid subscribers to People magazine. I know I give my parents a bad rep in a lot of these posts, but the truth is it really frustrates me how shallow of lives they lead. I love them dearly, trust me, I actually just had a great night with them of dinner and cards and fun, but I get so bitter knowing how naive they left me when I was entering the real world, called college, which isn't really the real world, but more real than living at home. I swear, my parents could tell you every Hollywood couple, past, present, and perhaps future, but they could not tell you which countries were involved in the Tsunami, where Sudan even is, or where Osama bin Ladin is from. I swear to God that I will not lead as ignorant of a life as my parents and will not raise my children in such an environment. I was lucky that God has brought be so many great friends to challenge me intellectually, but I just could have easily fallen into the little hole my parents live in that shelter them from any relevent events occurring in the world today. And that little plug about People is just another thing that bothers me. Why, why why waste money learning about other people as if their lives were more important than the average person?! I am debating starting a subscription for them for Time or something, so I'll let you know how that goes.

Phew. Enough venting. Anyway, the movie was seriously fantastic, and I'm glad I had an opportunity to see it. It has challenged me yet again to do more research about a topic in which I am very unfamiliar, and I look forward to learning more about it.

In the meantime, I am going to continue reading "Naked" by David Sedaris (which is so hysterical I was laughing outloud last night while reading it) and then going to sleep.

Bonsoir.

Cheers

2005-01-28T23:09:00.000-06:00

I have a thing for quotes. When I hear a good one, I like sharing it with others and then eventually have it memorized. I thought of another one tonight I haven't thought of in a while. It was said by Maya Angelou.

"When you don't like something, change it.
If you can't change it, change your attitude."

I have used this quote to alter my attitude about several things already this semester. One of them I mentioned in my last blog. This is the new me. The happy to be single me. And while I'm still adjusting, I know it will be worth it, that final satisfaction I have been seeking for so long.

A little update: my two friends are officially engaged. It's funny because even though I knew he was proposing, I still screamed and cried when she told us. It's definitely fun to be girly (sometimes).

We're on our J-term break right now. I have three whole days to pretty much do nothing. I'm stoked. I'm just getting over the flu so relaxing is something I have been looking forward to all week.

I had an interview today with the camp I applied to. The two guys I met with were both very welcoming and easy to talk to and I think, overall, the interview went very well. Maybe they just felt sorry for me because I sounded like my tonsils were taking up all of the space in my throat (oh wait, they are) but they asked really good questions and, I hope, I gave really good answers. The camp itself looks wonderful. It's an at-risk children's camp, too, so I'll be exposing myself to something I never have before. As I was telling the guys who interviewed me, most of the experience I have working with children is with a homogeneous group of kids who look like me and were raised in an environment similar to my own, so I'm especially excited to try something new. I'm not sure when I find out if I get it or not, but I'll let God decide how that works out and for the time being just not worry about it.

Another thought...after the accident, it's kind of weird thinking about everything else that is working out because I had to come back. Because I got to take another course this month, I will be able to take all of the other courses I need to squeeze in my senior year, and if I had gone on this trip, I really don't know how I would have been able to. I just hope God continues to grant me opportunities to do all the things I want to do, that is, if it is in His will. Money is starting to become an issue with many of these things, and I have faith in God that everything will work out.

In the meantime, one last quote:
(Done in a toast)
Here's to lying, cheating, stealing, and drinking.
If you're going to lie, lie for a friend.
If you're going to cheat, cheat death.
If you're going to steal, steal a heart.
If you're going to drink, drink to love.

Unknown

2005-01-20T21:36:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I just like to come onto blogger without anything specific to say, and then hoping something comes to me. Maybe that makes me boring. Maybe that makes me inventive. We'll see. Oh! I've got it! So, the boyfriend of my roommate/good friend told me tonight that this weekend he's asking her parents the "big question" and then proposing to my roommate on Sunday!!! Aghh!!!! Ya'll just have to know...I adore this couple with all my heart, and cannot think of more of a Godly couple that I have ever met. They are both so wonderful, and so wonderful for each other! So...you can imagine how excited I am, and how hard it is to keep in!!!!! I just want to tell everyone I know!! Wow. Big deal, I tell you. It's so crazy that people I know so well are now starting to get engaged. We're growing up!! Pretty soon they'll be getting married, then having kids....agh!! I love it, but at the same time I almost miss my younger, more exciteful years, where ignorance made my life bliss, and the future was a mystery. Now I'm growing up, have no more exciting big day birthdays in the future (after turning 21), and am finding out more and more about my family/the world/life and am becoming a woman. Now longer a girl, now a woman. (Yikes...I'm starting to sound like Britney Spears...quick, grab me a garbage can) So yeah. That's my little update for the night.

Oh...and just for the record...the quote I added last entry could not have come at a better time. The guy I was just recently talking about (future fiance of my friend) sent me that, and I think God was using him to get to me, because I really wasn't responding to anything else. I have been so pouty about everything lately and I hate how cynical I've become! So...I'm happy. Finally. It's official. About being single.

Thank you, God, for finally letting me know how I can be satisfied and grateful for something I have been bitter about for so long.

Buenas Noches.

A Quote

2005-01-18T17:42:00.000-06:00

"Rather than resent your many single hours, embrace them as a gift from God-a package that contains opportunities to serve Him that are limited only by your own self-pity and lack of obedience."

From: Lady in Waiting

100 Things to Know About Me

2005-01-16T19:53:00.000-06:00

I found this on someone else's blog, and thought it would be cool to do for myself
1. My full name is Victoria Margaret Luthringer
2. I love Luther College. I am a junior there and am studying education
3. I love music, both listening to and making (I sing and am learning to play guitar)
4. I love Spring because I get to roll down my window when I'm driving
5. I know I want to work with children, but I wonder if teaching is what I'm meant to do
6. If I knew I could still support myself, I would be a photographer...or open a cafe/bookshop
7. Grammar is really important to me for some reason
8. This is the second time I've started writing these, because about an hour ago our campus lost power...I was on number thirty-something
9. The song "twentysomething" by Jamie Cullum is the song that best defines who I am
10. I am a cat person
11. My faith is the most important thing to me
12. Followed by my family and then my friends
13. Sometimes I don't prioritize my importances very well
14. I am not going to have sex until I'm married
15. I fall for guys easily
16. Sometimes it's not always a bad thing, most of the time it is
17. I have a tattoo of an ictus (Jesus) fish on my right ankle
18. I don't know what my dad looks like and haven't heard from him in 10 years
19. I was a "pleasant surprise" to my parents, who were never married
20. Apparently I have at least 4 half-siblings
21. I live with my mom, aunt, and grandma
22. I am spoiled
23. But I'm not high maintenance
24. There are a lot of things I wish I could do, but money is usually an obstacle
25. I despise consumerism, but fall victim to it occasionally
26. I hope to travel the world some day
27. I cover up my face when I'm scared
28. I have difficulty trusting people
29. I am not good at talking on the phone, or leaving messages, but have to do both for the job I have here at school
30. I've been told I have a great laugh
31. I love to laugh, but am not very good at telling jokes
32. I'm sensitive, and my feelings get hurt easily
33. I love a variety of types of food, including Mexican, Italian, German, Chinese and...American? (Let me clarify by saying that I think diners are the coolest)
34. I love to listen to music, read, and drink coffee, all separate and at the same time
35. Wherever I stay for extended periods of time, I like to find places to be alone...my Place of Solitude, as I like to call it
36. Besides alcohol or medication, I have never tried any kinds of drugs
37. I have a fear of clowns, puppets (like those ventriloquist dummies), and spiders
38. I like figuring out why people are the way they are
39. I drink on occasion, but since I turned 21 I haven't done it as frequently
40. I love to go on walks (yes, even on the beach at sunset)
41. I have an obsession with clouds and sunsets
42. I appreciate philosophy, and wish I could be more "philosophical"
43. Arrogance and ignorance are two of my biggest personality pet peeves
44. I like balancing checkbooks
45. I claim to not like math, but for some reason I'm kind of good at it
46. I like to go shopping for school supplies, but rarely for anything else
47. I am American, but am not always proud to be
48. The well-being of our environment is very important to me, but I would not consider myself an environmentalist
49. I abhor the objectification of women but wouldn't consider myself a feminist
50. I like to climb trees
51. I am a sucker for cute, cuddly animals and still sleep with a teddy bear
52. I am half-Mexican (thanks, Daddy), Irish, and German. I also think it's funny that people, especially Americans, latch onto their "ethnic heritage," and think it's because America doesn't really have a distinguishing culture of its own
53. I doddle when I get ready
54. I have gotten better at letting people know when something is bothering me. I no longer want to consider myself a push-over
55. I like to make lists
56. I have never been in love
57. Yet I am still a hopeless romantic
58. I am competitive (maybe too competitive)
59. I procrastinate
60. I like impressing people
61. My family has given me a love for playing cards (It's the Irish in 'em) :)
62. If I could afford it, I would watch a new movie every day
63. I think sleep is overrated
64. I go to sleep late, and sleep in late (when I can)
65. I am NOT a morning person
66. Death scares me, yet I have never lost anyone close to me
67. I say "sorry" too much
68. I like being in crowded places
69. I love attending all sorts of events: sporting, musical, theatric, etc...
70. I love keeping planners
71. I also love writing in journals, especially online ones...
72. I love the smell of cologne, and believe any guy that happens to wear it becomes at least 52% more attractive because of it
73. I like to make up random percentages for things
74. I believe time is obscure
75. I enjoy trivia facts
76. My favorite actors/actresses are Tom Hanks, John Cusack, Natalie Portman, Mark Ruffalo, and Gwyneth Paltrow
77. My favorite city I have visited is New York City, mostly because it literally is the city that never sleeps, and neither do I
78. I am caring and compassionate
79. I don't know why I took so long to add that one
80. I love to dance, but only to music that I can sing to (unless it's salsa and can't understand what is being sung)
81. I wish I had more time to learn how to swing, line, and salsa dance
82. I wish I could learn a variety of languages. The only one I have studied is Spanish, which I have mostly forgotten
83. I think it's sad that I have forgotten a lot of what I have learned in school
84. I like buying picture frames and photo albums and then finding the pictures to put in them
85. I am a big believer in random acts of kindness
86. This summer I want to attend a variety of church services so I can compare all different denominations
87. I like comparing types of people, and am a sociologist at heart
88. I want to extend my vocabulary
89. I crack my knuckles
90. I think celebridum (becoming a celebrity...I'm not quite sure if that's a real word), on a variety of levels, ruins people
91. I wear the cross necklace I got for Confirmation every day
92. I have closure issues, and get really agitated when I don't get to say goodbye to people
93. I love listening to and watching thunder storms
94. Body features that stand out to me on guys include: teeth, calves, eyes, and hands
95. I like being scared, and make myself scared by watching scary/thrilling/horror movies and going on scary rides at amusement parks and fairs
96. I like meeting new people
97. I wish I could paint and/or write poetry, and I appreciate that talent in other people
98. The best compliment I could receive is someone genuinely telling me "You have made my day"
99. I like scars, getting them and when guys have them
100. I bet I would have little difficulty finding 100 more things to add to this list

Empty

2005-01-16T03:45:00.000-06:00

Why do you hold my hand and rub my back?
Don't you realize how vulnerable I am?
You have reasons of your own why you shouldn't.
I have my reasons of my own why I shouldn't let you.
But I did.

Why do you say the things you do?
We've already tried this once.
Remember how hurt you left me?
You have reasons why you shouldn't say those things.
Imagine if we were dating...
Why to me, of all people, would you say that?

Why did you wait so long to call me?
I was over you.
You were off my mind.
Sure...we should do something over break.
I have lost the ability to trust your words.
But have also lost the ability to stop thinking about you.

Why do you tell me you think about me?
How can you say that, and then nothing else?
I'm left yearning to hear from you again.
Your away messages reflect affection you feel towards someone.
Is it me?

Love songs for no one

2005-01-15T16:27:00.000-06:00

"Ready For Love"
India.Arie

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with a offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

"Bless The Broken Road"
~Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

--Maybe someday there will be someone to whom I can play these songs...

Ya Norse

2005-01-15T04:01:00.000-06:00

So my weekend is starting off pretty well, I'd say. I went to a Luther basketball game with a good friend of mine, and obviously our support paid off, because we won! Afterwards I played cards with some friends and closed off the night watching Shrek 2. I came back to my room to find two roommates MIA and one with her bedroom door locked. So, with no one to share my nightly thoughts, I turn yet again to blogger.

So I was reading through my posts, and can't help but cringe every time I read through the one entitled "what is it about guys." However, as close as I was to deleting it, I really want to use it to keep me accountable for future events such as the one I encountered last weekend. Thinking back (a little more sober this time) I realize how often I resort to the mindset I had last weekend; it's just easier. No guys dancing with me=I'm not worth dancing with. THIS IS FALSE AND I KNOW THAT. I have a self-esteem issue I'm slowly overcoming, and in the meantime, I will use past thoughts (recorded, thanks to blogger) to learn and grow in this weak self-esteem. I have never, never in my life, thought highly of myself. In fact, I've had esteem issues for as long as I can remember. I'm sure most of it can be traced back to the absence of a father, but seeing as how I realize that now, I should be able to grow out of it.

So, with the help of a higher being, I hope to change. Please pray for me, for this is something that will take an effort from more than just myself.

Paz.

I think it's funny...

2005-01-11T23:57:00.000-06:00

...when people use posed pictures for their blogger site. now granted, i know i don't have a picture yet, but that is because i don't want to download that picture thing they make you download when you want to post a picture. even if i could, i promise i wouldn't use a picture in which i was posing. i might not even use a picture of myself. i prefer to check out someone's profile who clearly has a sense of humor, and you can see that from the picture they have selected. does anyone else even read other peoples' profiles? anyway, i might use a pictures of a sunset, however cliche, or bromidic (a word i learned today) that may be, i love sunsets, so there. if i didn't use that, i guess i'm not sure what else i would choose. but, since i can't add pictures yet, i am not going to worry about it.

here's to the most pointless blog i have written thus far.

Mr. Cullum + Blogger.com

2005-01-10T02:30:00.000-06:00

= BLISS. It's true. I have my dear friend Jamie playing for me, and even though I have nothing specific to update or discuss, I find myself craving the composition of a blogger post. Ah, the simple pleasures in life. Tonight at FOCUS, an on-campus praise and worship service, I became truly aware of just how blessed I am. I love the song "Blessed be the Name," and got to hear it tonight. The music tonight made up for a mediocre speech, and I found myself smiling the whole way back to my room. (Oooh...here comes my favorite part on "What a Difference a Day Made...") I am so grateful for Luther, so much so that it's almost an obsession. If it weren't for the incredible support I've received since the accident, I can imagine just how miserable I could be right now. The realization that my trip was cancelled, for some reason, just hit me yesterday when I was hanging out with another member in my group, dancing to "Sweet Home Alabama" when I remembered how much I was looking forward to hearing that song being played while actually in Alabama. Isn't that weird? Anyway, it is also pseudo-bittersweet seeing the guy from my group, remembering that I would be getting to know him better on our trip. But look at me, thinking about what I'm missing out on instead of praising what I still have and will get to do. Agh! I have changed. Something inside of me has become more cynical, and I'm not sure why. Well, kind of like my mood, this post has become random spurts of emotion. And as Jamie is singing, "It's about time" for me to go to bed.

Bonsoir.

What is it about guys...

2005-01-08T01:30:00.000-06:00

...that make me feel so shitty? Listen, I know how I appear to guys has no ultimate impact at the end of my life. That is, how I appear to others has no effect on how I appear to God, and therefore my status as a Christian. Why, then, if I do not feel like I am being accepted by guys based on my appearance alone, do I feel so bad about myself? I know I shouldn't; I have known for years. Why does it still affect me the way it does? I went to Roscoe's tonight, the shady little bar in our town. I hate going, but all of my friends were going, and I thought it would be fun. While it was fun being with my friends, it was not fun feeling like I was rejected or ultimately disregarded as an acceptable female by other guys that were there. It is so stupid. I have been hearing all week nothing but how much I mean to people, how glad people are that I am back (after my accident) and it feels so good to hear, and truly does mean so much. But then I go to stupid little Roscoe's, and my whole self-image becomes distorted. Now I become just any other ordinary girl, who is virtually unknown by most people at the bar (the people I usually hang out with don't tend to visit Roscoe's). I am nothing spectacular, and to most people there, not worth a little dance with. What is it about outside appearance that has such an effect on how people treat others? I have the greatest friends anyone could ask for, and have been reassured countless times this week how much I mean to them as well, but for some reason the opinion of random strangers has more of an effect on how I view myself. I want that to change. My vow for this year is that it finally does. I am SICK of relying on the opinion others have of me to shape the opinion I have of myself. I'm getting better, don't get me wrong, but I want this year to be a turning point in my life. No longer will I rely solely on guys to reaffirm my self-image. I won't rely on anyone anymore, and will refuse to place so much importance on how I look to others. Please God help me with this, I pray, and please let your opinion of me be the only one besides my own that matters. In your name I pray.
Amen.

Bruised and broken from head on collision

2005-01-05T01:57:00.000-06:00

(Newfound Glory) So, if all had gone according to plan, I would be in Nashville, TN right now. As fate would have it, however, I am back where I started. Our van carrying 7 passengers crashed today just an hour and a half south of Decorah. We apparently hit a patch of black ice and the rest is history. There were five students and two chaperones, and all of the students were sleeping and, so, were unbuckled. I woke up just as we were turning onto the shoulder. It seemed as if we could just turn around and get back on the road...and in my head I was even imagining laughing about it later. Instead we kept going forward down into the ditch, and because the driver (our professor) had been turning the wheel to get back on the road, our van flipped over and tumbled down the hill. I've just recently heard it was a "few times" that we flipped, but inside it felt like it just never ended. And each and every time I bounced against something, I kept thinking "This is it...this is when I die." I was just bracing myself for something to hit me or me to smash into something. Once the van halted, I immediately reached for my purse to grab my phone. Two other students and I made it out of the van okay. As I was getting out I could hear my professor lean over to his wife to ask if she was okay. I didn't hear if she responded or not. I got outside and one of the students, Nigel, was asking another if she, Yasmin, was okay. She was lying on the ground, but was talking to us. That's when I looked over and saw the front passenger side of the van. It had completely caved in and was smothering our professor's wife. And so I immediately became hysterical (unfortunately for the dispatcher at the other end of my phone). I had to compose myself and try to tell her where we were. Luckily a few passerbyers had stopped as well and could give us directions to give to the dispatcher. I helped Yasmin sit up, which made me cry again, but I stopped because Yasmin told me to. Then I looked over and saw our other student lying in the field about 50 meters away. She had been ejected. I was still on the phone with the dispatcher, so I went up to the highway. Ambulances arrived shortly. So as I was standing there on the side of the highway, hair going every which way, blood streaming down my face, one of the guys helping out comes over to me, listens for me to pause on the phone and asks "So...you were in the van too then?" No...I was walking on the side of the road to enjoy this beautiful 20 degree weather and was hit by the van. Here's your sign. I laughed to myself briefly. The two other boys who had come out with me and I were in the first ambulance transported to the hospital. One of the women who was first-responding had holes all over her pants. It was hard to have much faith in her. We had to wear those uncomfortable neck braces. We got to discover where exactly we were hurting and where we had been cut. (I got a nasty scratch on my face, hands, and right hip...otherwise I was/am fine).

At the hospital, the three of us got to be in the same emergency area. We were all examined on arrival, and I found out that both one of the nurses and my doctor had children at Luther, whom I knew. I was excited. One of the patients who had been in there before us started complaining because it was 10 am and she had had an appointment at 9 and she was there before us and why were we being treated first. "Just let me go." She says. "I'll just get cancer, but I don't want to stay any longer. I want a cigarette and I want to go." Biaaaaatch. Nothing more exciting happened after that. We had continual updates of our fellow passengers (broken leg, concussion, surgery for lungs, bruised lung, stiches on hand, etc...) but we all made it. Praise the Lord, I have no idea how we didn't come out of there worse. Did I mention none of us were wearing seatbelts? If I can figure out a way to post a picture on here I will. They had to take pictures of our van for insurance purposes so they used my camera.

I am going to be sore tomorrow, I can tell already. I hope I can sleep. Everytime I close my eyes I replay the event in my mind. The body smashed into the frame of the van. Poor Katie lying on the field, huddled in a ball. Our poor professor, who was looking forward to this trip so much who has to live with the guilt that he was driving when this happened, even though there was no way it could have been helped. (He was most likely going 50 miles an hour in a 55 zone). I will stay posted. Good will come of this.

Guilty until proven innocent?

2005-01-03T11:35:00.000-06:00

I found this in the New York Times op-ed section this morning. How is this possible?

Steven Cohen is a former federal prosecutor who has become all but obsessed with a case in New York in which he believes two men are serving long prison sentences for a murder they didn't commit.

A former New York City detective, Robert Addolorato, actually seems tormented by the case. He also believes the prisoners are innocent.

Neither of these men are soft on crime. But they insist that in this particular case, the authorities fouled up. Mr. Cohen was adamant. "They've got the wrong guys locked up for this murder," he said.

In the early morning hours of Nov. 23, 1990, two bouncers were shot at the old Palladium nightclub on East 14th Street in Manhattan. One of the bouncers died. A couple of hapless young guys, David Lemus and Olmado Hidalgo, who most likely did not know one another, who didn't even speak the same language (one spoke only English and the other only Spanish), and who insisted they were not at the club when the shooting occurred, were arrested, tried, convicted and sentenced to 25 years to life in prison.

The arrests had not been made immediately. Mr. Lemus was picked up nearly two months after the shooting, and Mr. Hidalgo nearly a year after. Prosecutors told a jury that the two men had gotten into an altercation with the bouncers, and had shot them after a "friend" of the defendants, Jose Figueroa, had unsuccessfully tried to mediate the dispute.

Mr. Cohen and Detective Addolorato had no particular interest in the Palladium matter. But in the course of their own investigation of a drug and extortion gang they essentially "solved" the Palladium case. (Mr. Lemus and Mr. Hidalgo were already in prison.) A gang member named Joey Pillot admitted that he and a buddy named Thomas Morales had been responsible for the murder, that Mr. Morales was the actual shooter, and that neither Mr. Lemus nor Mr. Hidalgo was involved.

A wealth of evidence has since been marshaled to support that account. Several witnesses have bolstered or corroborated Mr. Pillot's version of the shooting. The prosecution's theory about what happened that night suffered a severe blow when it was learned that Mr. Figueroa, the "friend" who was supposed to have been acting as a mediator, was nowhere near the Palladium when the shooting occurred. He was in prison.

A man who resembled Mr. Figueroa, Richard Feliciano, was at the scene. According to court papers filed by defense lawyers, Mr. Feliciano "has indicated that he was, in fact, the mediator, that he witnessed the shooting and that Morales, and not Mr. Lemus and Mr. Hidalgo, shot the bouncers."

Lawyers for Mr. Lemus and Mr. Hidalgo have pressed hard for a new trial, but have not been successful. Another appeal hearing will be held later this month.

The New York Times and other news outlets have run stories raising serious questions about the case and detailing new evidence that has emerged, including Joey Pillot's confession. The forewoman of the jury that convicted Mr. Lemus and Mr. Hidalgo has also reviewed the latest evidence. She now believes the two men were innocent. But prosecutors in the Manhattan district attorney's office continue to fight all efforts to have the convictions overturned.

In an article that appeared in July 2000, Jane Fritsch and David Rohde of The Times wrote: "It is difficult to overturn a conviction in New York, even in the face of powerful new evidence. Trial judges and state appeals courts have always been reluctant to reverse a jury's verdict, and in 1996, Congress sharply limited the rights of defendants to take their appeals to federal court."

While officials in the D.A.'s office continue to insist that Mr. Lemus and Mr. Hidalgo are guilty, there seems to be at least a little give in the foundation of their certainty. I talked about the case last week with James Kindler, the chief assistant district attorney. He said at one point, "We think that at least Morales - there's been some evidence that we had that Morales may have been involved, yes."

"In the shooting?" I said.

"In the shooting."

That did not mean, said Mr. Kindler, that Mr. Lemus and Mr. Hidalgo were innocent. He said they could all have been involved.

I then asked if the D.A.'s office had any evidence that linked Mr. Morales even remotely to the two men imprisoned for the murder.

"I believe not," said Mr. Kindler.

It's so good to be back

2005-01-02T23:07:00.000-06:00

Ahh, yes...I remember this feeling now. Elation. Boy is it nice to feel again. Just being back at Luther has provided me with this wonderful feeling of happiness and contentment such that I'm even having a hard time putting it into words. Tonight I walked to Subway, got a footlong cold cut trio on Parmesan oregano (my favorite) and then walked to the movie store to rent my other favorite show, Sex and the City. Even though it was a might brisk out, it didn't matter. I happily ate my sandwich and watched three hours of soft porn. You know, I realized something while watching SC, tonight...when I watch those kinds of shows with my friends, I feel no guilt, and don't even give it a second thought. When I watch it alone, it's almost like perverted, like I'm doing something wrong. Take porn, for instance. My girls and I watched it for a girls' night last year, and mostly just laughed the whole time, but it was just all in good fun. A girl rents porn and watches it on her own...huh uh. At least that's how I feel about myself. It's interesting what is socially accepted when done in groups, but not when done alone. Oh those double standards.

I had another thought tonight. For the first three episodes, I had the whole room to myself. After that, though, the girl who is living in our room this month got here, and I was pretty disappointed that I wasn't alone anymore. However, after she was done packing she sat down to watch a couple episodes with me (she'd never seen it before!). Afterwards, we excitedly decided to go to the movie store and rent the next volume (it was closed, but it was fun while it lasted). Anyway, it was nice having someone there to be excited with. I probably wouldn't have gone by myself again, and it was nice to have someone to laugh with. It got me thinking, all these things I've been disappointed with this break, could perhaps have been seen in a much more positive light had I only been open enough to look for it. Instead, I chose the path of least resistance route and cried like a little baby (not really...but you know). Now that I'm back at Luther, I'm hoping it will be easier for me to take the more optimistic view toward life, and still be able to maintain it even when I go home. My parents and I actually ended on a good note today, believe it or not. Overall, I really did have quite the pleasant day.

Did I mention I will be down South for the whole month of January? I am taking a Civil Rights Movement class and will be visiting Nashville, Atlanta, Birmingham, Montgomery, the University of Mississippi, Memphis, and Graceland. We leave Tuesday and I am getting so excited! One, because I have been obsessed with the Civil Rights Movement since about third grade when I wrote my first biography on MLK Jr, and two, because it will be nice to travel and be away from everything for a bit. I'm hoping to meet a certain someone while I'm down there too, someone with whom I've spoken for two years now but have never met. We'll see, though. He has been a more recent example of a "disappointment" in my life, so I will do my best to not get my hopes up, or at least not be too devastated if he doesn't meet me. Agh. Who am I kidding. I'll be crushed. But...at least I'm starting to prepare myself for it. Anyway, that's enough of that.

I might actually make it to bed before midnight tonight. That would be a first since I really can't remember when. This blogger thing has been keeping me up so late lately!

Ciao.

Feeling Better

2005-01-02T00:04:00.000-06:00

I don't know what it is about blogger that I am addicted to. All of what I'm feeling these last few days have been displayed for anyone to see, and that is somehow comforting to me. Anyway, I am, as the title reveals, feeling much better today. I am going back to school tomorrow, so that may have something to do with it, but I at last feel that sense of contentment I have been seeking all break. Tonight I went on one last Target run, got a new purse/backpack for my trip, some books, and the Jamie Cullum CD (which I absolutely LOVE...if you get a chance, listen to "What a Difference a Day Makes" and listen to that last note that he sings...see if you hear anything unusual about it). I came home and watched Friends (my favorite show) and ate popcorn. Pretty much the ideal ending to any break.

So I had a very interesting conversation last night (after my venting on here). I talked to an old friend to whom I haven't spoken for a few months now. Really, even when I do talk to him it's usually brief and semi-flirtatious. However, last night he revealed something to me I wasn't expecting, that basically he thinks about me often, etc...I have to say, as much as I wasn't expecting to hear such a thing from him, it made me feel really good. I have been on the other end of seeking a relationship for quite some time now, and even if what he said didn't mean as much to him (I think he was doing a little bit of "celebrating" the new year himself) it really did mean a lot to me. He also used the phrase "you will make some guy very happy someday." Now, I'm not sure how to feel about this. It seems as though I hear this often from guy friends of mine, and it's almost as if it's a consolation for not liking me more than a friend. Like, "You seem as though you would be a girl I would like more than a friend, but I don't, so here's a really nice phrase I will tell you now." Here I go being cynical again, but, unfortunately, my faith in guys is starting to dwindle. I suppose I owe it all to my impatient self, perhaps rushing relationships, but it is only because I am excited that something might happen. Then the same thing always follows after my excitement: nothing. Nothing happens. The guy falls in love with someone else, or just randomly we stop hanging out with each other. I'm tired of self-pitifying (a new word...like it?) but it's hard not to when so many things go wrong.

I'm done. Done done done complaining about my relationship defects. Phew. Alright. I'm struggling to find a new topic. Ah ha. So the other night at church, the speaker's message was centered around God using seemingly catastrophic or horrible events for His greater purpose. He talked specifically about the earthquake in Southern Asia, and the, what is it now, 130, 000 people who died? Seriously, I just cringe and almost feel like gagging when I think about all those people. Anyway, we were asked to get into groups of two or three and pray together about these people and their families, etc...I was by myself, so I went over and sat with a girl who I'd never met before. She was very nice, and we got to praying right away. In my head, I was struggling for something to say, because usually when I pray it will be for something usually more broad or vague, like "for the families in Asia," or something. But this girl had so much more depth, so much more obviously on her mind than my pitiful little prayers. We were praying for the people going over to help with relief, for God to spread His word to the people suffering through missionaries and volunteers, and then for those who aren't getting as much attention, for people whose needs go unnoticed. It was amazing. I had never felt more challenged in my prayers before. I am so grateful that God could show me just what I could do with prayers, that it's okay to get specific. Just when I think I'm doing enough, God shows me what more I can do. It's pretty incredible, and I'm grateful He's right there to keep me in check.

Well, this turned into a novel fast. It's just about January 2nd, and I am off to a good start.
Merci
~moi

Happy New Year?

2004-12-31T22:23:00.000-06:00

So...this is the most depressed I've felt since...I don't remember when. It is New Year's Eve, and I am literally sitting here all by my fucking self. I haven't not been with friends for New Year's since I was probably 11. This is probably the kind of self pity that I'll be laughing at myself about in a couple days...maybe...it might take a few months, but right now, I feel pretty much awful. Don't get me wrong, I have reasonable explanations for the whereabouts of all of my friends, but that doesn't excuse the fact that I am alone. I'm almost too embarrassed to publish this post, but I figure you all have to take me for the good as well as the bad. Unfortunately, this seems to be a down period of my life, and everything I have to say is reflecting my mood. Wow...I really promise that next time I will NOT say anything negative. This is kind of horrible, what I've been putting anyone who reads these through. I am usually more of an optimistic person, so maybe all I need is a fresh start, aka January 1, 2005. So...here goes. Goodnight, and here's to a HAPPY New Year.

Peace.

PS: Is it weird that I feel better already?

Evaluation of life

2004-12-31T15:19:00.000-06:00

Such a broad title, isn't it? I could talk about this forever, since I do evaluate what is my life constantly. I have been hanging out with my family all day today, and it pains me to realize how shallow they are. Is that shallow for me to say? Anyway, even when we begin to talk about a deep topic, someone will say something ignorant or obvious and I get frustrated and just can't talk to them anymore. It's frustrating because when I go to school I feel as though I am the one who is ignorant and obvious, and my friends are pulling me along. I wish my parents could have raised me with more depth. I am so grateful for my experiences at Luther and how they have helped strengthen my values and beliefs, but I wish I could find that same reinforcement when I come home. Don't get me wrong; I love my family. But I feel very frustrated with them a lot of the time. They are the epitome of our ignorant society, believing what they're told, reinforcing the importance of image and and gender stereotypes, and participants in the evil of consumerism.

Wow, I didn't mean to just go off on my family, there, but I guess it's been weighing pretty heavily on my life lately. Actually, the most frustrating of it all is that I don't feel comfortable discussing my faith with them. I want so badly to help them or familiarize them with my faith, but when I try, the same things happen and I get frustrated. My aunt is especially close-minded, and is a firm believer in "I'm not bad enough to go to Hell," even after long discussions of my explaining it's not if you're bad enough, but if you're, for lack of a better description, good enough. Have you earned the privilege of Heaven? I suppose it can be traced back to the fact that my family is Catholic, the most strict but least personally challenging of all denominations, I feel. No divorce, no premarital sex, no meat on Fridays during lent, and no birth control, plus weekly reconciliation and daily run-throughs of the rosary, and you are a BON-O-FIDE Catholic sure to join our savior in Heaven. While all these are fine on their own, what they do to Catholics is have them rely solely on repetition and regurgitation. There is no deeper thinking, and there is no allowance for explanation of these things; we just do as we're told. I believe that unless there is a deeper reason behind these things, they are left unfullfilling and, eventually, unfulfilled. Did I mention I was born out of wedlock and that divorce has become almost genetic in my family? Yeah. Pretty freaking tragic. So anyway, I'm sick of sounding like a complainer, and promise to say something less cynical in my next entry.

Au revior

A Break from Break

2004-12-31T01:40:00.000-06:00

So yeah...this is my first blog. It's the end of break, and I just now discovered this blogger.com. I'm wishing I'd found it sooner so I could have had something else to consume my time besides eating (which I did a lot of, in case you were wondering). If I could choose one word to describe this break, I would say disappointing. I didn't do a whole lot besides work at the Machine Shed (which I'm hoping will be the last time I ever work there) and regret not making more of this break. I excuse the fact that I was pretty much a lazy piece of ass by looking at all my quality hours spent working, but really, how much work is it to stand behind a register and ask approximately every 20 seconds "So, how was your meal?" Whatever. It's break, right? I'm getting more and more anxious about next semester, so this will probably be the last time in my life that I will be privileged enough to be a lazy piece of ass.

I suppose I could also use this as an opportunity to post an update of my life. This is semi-old news, but I just found out the day before break that I am going to be student teaching for seven weeks in Brussels, Belgium. (In case you were wondering, Belgium is squished between France and Germany...I had to look it up myself). So yeah...I am absolutely STOKED and can't believe I actually get to go to Europe finally. Brussles just happens to be smack in the center of Europe (including Great Britain) so I will be doing a lot of inter-continental traveling as well.

No word on the camp I applied to. I am hoping to work at Wildwood Hills Ranch this summer, which is an at-risk children's camp just 30 minutes south of Des Moines. It would be so perfect, and if you get a chance, check out the website, www.wildwoodhillsranch.com, if only to see how much fun these kids look like they're having.

Looks like that's it, for now. Until next time...
Au revior (I have to start practicing my French)